Scenes From A Marriage
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron reflects on where his marriage went wrong. In hindsight, it's pretty obvious.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a bar somewhere. I just had some strange thoughts in my tiny brain that needed to get out. This is what I got. **

**Scenes From A Marriage **

The Bronx Bomber was more than another bar in LA. It was a little oasis for people from New York. Walking in patrons were surrounded by the familiar sights of New York. Pictures, pennants from New York sports teams, and several medium sized replicas of New York landmarks were all around the bar. There was a Statue of Liberty greeting customers right by the doorway.

This is where a certain Ron Cadillac often wandered in. So, it was no surprise to the thirty something black haired male bartender when he walked up to the bar. "Ron!"

"Hey Tony!" Ron grinned. "Good to see you. What's going on?"

"Same old, same old," Tony shrugged. "It's a little slow today but considering it's only a weekday night…Could be worse."

"Sounds like my life," Ron grumbled. "Only it **is** worse!"

"The usual?" Tony asked.

"Make it a double," Ron groaned as he sat down. "I need a place to lie low for a while."

Tony asked as he poured Ron a drink. "I thought you were hanging out in this swank mansion after your wife rammed her car into the side of your house?"

"I am," Ron groaned. "I need a break. That place is **nuts!** Because it's filled with them."

"I guess your marriage is still on the rocks, huh?" Tony asked as he gave Ron the drink.

"Rocks would indicate something **sturdy **about our marriage," Ron groaned as he took a drink. "My marriage feels more and more like quicksand. Never get involved with a spy, Tony. They are a strange, weird, neurotic breed."

Tony asked. "That guy still in the coma?"

"Yeah," Ron nodded. "And when Mallory isn't trying to kill me, she's ignoring me by constantly sitting by her son's bedside. It's like she moved in with him. She doesn't even want to try to fix our marriage now. And what few attempts she did make were halfhearted ones. I think our marriage is over in everything but name. But nobody has the guts to actually say it yet."

Ron took another drink. "I guess I should have seen it coming. Now that I think about it, Sterling has been a bit of a thorn in our marriage since day one. Literally."

FLASHBACK!

Ron and Malloy were standing at the altar at their wedding in front of the minister in a glorious church. Before them in splendid white and green robes was a tall thin man with graying hair but still had a twinkle in his green eyes.

"Dearly beloved," The Honorable Reverend James spoke as he officiated the ceremony. "We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

"Oh god…" Archer moaned. He was standing at the side with the groomsmen Cyril and Krieger. He was also drinking from a flask.

"Marriage," Reverend James said. "Is a commitment."

"More like you should **be committed**…" Archer grumbled. Only to be shushed by the wedding party which included Lana, Pam and Cheryl as bridesmaids.

The Reverend went on. "It is made in the deepest sense to exclude all others…"

"Good luck with **that** Ron," Archer grumbled as he took a drink.

"Archer!" Lana hissed.

"What?" Archer snapped. "I've seen my mother hit on guys at their wives' wakes!"

"You're gonna get hit if you don't **shut it** Archer!" Pam warned.

Reverend James pressed on. "And it is entered with the deepest desire that this commitment will last for life."

"Good news," Cheryl spoke up. "It won't be **that** long. Am I right?"

"I swear to God, Choke-A-Hontis…" Pam growled.

"What?" Cheryl protested. "I'm not saying they're going to break up! I'm just saying they'll probably die soon. Most likely Ms. Archer from liver failure."

"Shut up!" Lana hissed.

Reverend James tried not to be flustered. "As I was saying. Marriage is the union of two hearts and two souls…"

"Does it count if only **one **of them has a soul?" Ray was heard from the back.

"This is why I didn't make you a groomsman Iron-Snides!" Mallory shouted. "Just continue…"

"Uh yes," The reverend coughed. "Marriage is a deep everlasting commitment. If anyone here has any…"

"I OBJECT!" Archer shouted. "I OBJECT DAMN IT!"

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH!" Mallory shouted.

"Here we go," Cyril rolled his eyes. "I **knew** this was going to happen!"

"Called it," Lana said. She took some money from Pam.

"God damn it Archer," Pam groaned. "I also owe Ray twenty bucks!"

"_Mallory?"_ Reverend James did a double take. _"Mallory?" _

"I can't believe you're doing this to me!" Mallory snapped at her son. "Oh wait, yes I **can!**"

"Mother you can't be seriously doing **this!"** Archer shouted. "How could you do this to **me?" **

"Oh, for the love of God Archer…" Lana groaned.

"Sure, make your mother's wedding day all about **you…**" Ray was heard. "Great choice of a best man, Ms. Archer!"

"He wasn't a choice and you know it!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling…"

"You're the one who always told me that marriage was for suckers, losers and wimps!" Archer snapped. "And that anyone who got sucked into marriage and children was setting themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment!"

"Well I wasn't wrong about **the child part**!" Mallory snapped.

"Here we go," Lana sighed rolling her eyes.

"Told you we shouldn't have invited him," Pam said to Mallory.

"Sterling you are upsetting your mother," Ron said.

"You can't tell me what to do!" Archer shouted. "You're not my father!"

"Not **yet,"** Cyril said. "They have to finish saying the vows first."

"This is going to be one of **those weddings** isn't it?" Reverend James groaned.

"Why are you marrying this guy?" Archer shouted at his mother. "You know you're only going to cheat on him in a year or so!"

"God damn it Sterling…" Mallory snarled.

"You're not even broke anymore!" Archer pointed out. "You don't even need to marry the guy! This isn't like Trexler! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for…? Wait that doesn't apply here. Why buy the bull…? Damn it I had something for this."

"A **what situation**?" Ron blinked. "Who's Trexler?"

"Don't ask," Cyril sighed.

"Sterling Mallory Archer, shut your damn mouth!" Mallory screamed. "How dare you try and ruin the happiest day of my life?"

"Wasn't that when you had me?" Archer asked.

"Obviously not," Cyril remarked. Archer glared at him.

Mallory snapped. "How dare you make an ass of yourself in front of Ron and all my friends?"

"_What friends_?" Cheryl spoke up. "The only people from **your side** is everyone from work!"

"Isn't that why you made **us** bridesmaids?" Pam asked. "Because nobody in your hoity-toity circle of biddies would do it?"

"She's lucky she was able to find somebody to **do her**," Cheryl spoke up.

"By the way," Brett was heard. "We were promised overtime for this. When are we going to get paid?"

"SHUT UP BRETT BEFORE I SHOOT YOU MYSELF!" Archer shouted.

"YOU ALWAYS SHOOT ME!" Brett shouted.

"Only three out of five times!" Archer shouted back. "Mother you are making a huge mistake!"

"The only mistake I made today," Mallory snarled. "Is not replacing **you** with Ms. Gillette! Okay we probably would have had to put a board over the stairs or something but at least she would have kept her mouth shut!"

"That's all I'm saying," Ray was heard.

"Who the hell are you to lecture me on my love life?" Mallory shouted. "Especially considering all the **winners **you've been with!"

"Fun fact," Pam spoke up. "He banged all the bridesmaids! Including me!"

"That was **extremely inappropriate** Pam!" Lana shouted.

"There has to be a shorter way to say that," Cheryl mused out loud.

"Huh, never thought of that before," Pam remarked.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Hang on," Tony interrupted. "Archer slept with **all **the bridesmaids?"

"Yes," Ron groaned as he took a drink. "You don't know the **half **of it. Cyril also slept with each of them. And I'm pretty sure Krieger slept with both Carol and Pam. And I'm almost positive that Ray slept with at least one of the guys. Maybe two or more? Didn't ask. Don't want to know. That group switches partners more times than square dancers."

Ron took another drink. "Anyway…The fight continued. And got worse."

FLASHBACK TO THE WEDDING!

Archer was shouting at his mother. "How the hell am I making your life _worse?"_

"Do you want the whole list or just the top ten?" Cyril asked.

"I swear to God, Cyril…" Archer snapped.

"Well he's not wrong!" Mallory shouted.

"Mother!" Archer gasped.

Mallory snapped. "Do you think it's easy being the mother of what everyone in my circle refers to as The Man Whore of Manhattan?"

"Well where do you think he learned **that** from?" Cheryl spoke up. "Just saying. The man whore apple doesn't fall far from the whore tree."

"Unless the tree is on a cliff," Krieger spoke up. "And there's a river beneath it to carry it away."

"Extremely inappropriate Krieger," Cyril groaned.

"I thought it was," Krieger blinked. "If we're talking about the physics of apples and distance."

"When are we talking about getting **paid?**" Brett was heard from the back. "I didn't want to spend my Sunday here."

"And since it is a Sunday," Another drone spoke up. "Shouldn't we be getting overtime?"

"I'd like to know the answer to that as well," Ray realized.

"Actually, we should be getting time and a half," Cyril began.

"Shut up!" Lana shouted to the others.

"Mother why the hell are you **doing this**?" Archer asked. "Is this because your looks are going? Because you're scared that you're too old to…"

Mallory then slapped her son. "I was right," Reverend James sighed.

"You are a complete and total **ass!**" Mallory snarled. "I am in love with Ron! He could have had any woman in the tri-state area!"

"And you've had any **man** you wanted in the tri-state area!" Archer shouted. "During my childhood I've had more uncles than the Irish Mob! And some of them were **in** the Irish Mob!"

"Only **one **was in the Irish Mob!" Mallory snapped. "And he was never technically my boyfriend. Besides you killed him so what do you care?"

"He **what now?"** Ron did a double take.

"Long story, not important," Mallory groaned.

"Mother you are making a huge mistake!" Archer protested.

"I am getting married today," Mallory told him. "And not even you can stop me!"

"Wanna bet?" Archer pulled out his gun.

To this Mallory responded by slapping Archer again. "OWWW!" Archer whined.

"Put that away before Brett gets shot again!" Mallory ordered.

"Please…" Brett moaned from the pews.

"I can't wait to tell **this one** at the Interfaith Bingo game," Reverend James groaned. "If this doesn't beat Rabbi Melnyk's Bat Mitzva Meltdown, nothing will!"

"The point is that I **love **this man!" Mallory held Ron's hands. "He makes me happy Sterling! Can't you be happy for me?"

"Honestly…" Archer began as he put the gun away.

"Archer can't you just be happy your mom found someone?" Pam asked. "Isn't it important that she's happy?"

"Thank you, Pam," Mallory said.

"And if she's happy," Pam went on. "Maybe she won't be such a raging bitch at the office?"

"Give us some peace and quiet at work for a change," Cheryl nodded.

"We could **all** use it," Ray was heard sighing.

"Testify!" Brett called out.

"Thanks a lot Pam!" Mallory groaned. "Continue with the ceremony."

"But…" Reverend James began.

"Just get on with it, Reverend!" Mallory told the reverend. "Because this is as good as it is going to get. Clearly it was too much to ask my only son and my employees to not behave like a bunch of **baboons**!"

"And yet you invited us anyway," Cheryl added.

"Uh okay…" Reverend James coughed. "Do you Mallory…?"

"Yes!" Mallory said triumphantly. Archer let out a cry of shock and pain.

"I didn't…" Reverend James began.

"I said **yes**!" Mallory snapped. She gave a triumphant glare at her son.

"Okay…" Reverend James sighed. "And do you Ron take Mallory to be your lawful wedded wife? Think about this Ron."

"What?" Mallory narrowed her eyes.

"I do," Ron said.

"Are you **sure?**" The reverend asked. "I mean **think** about this Ron."

"Yeah Ron **think **about it!" Archer called out. "Not too late for you to make a run for it."

"Zip it Sterling!" Mallory shouted.

"I'm just saying I see some red flags here," Reverend James added. "Big ones…"

"I see what you're saying," Ron indicated Archer with his head. "But I still do."

"Okay," Reverend James sighed. "It's your decision. So, with that I'd like to have the rings."

Everyone looked at Archer. "Noooope," He folded his arms.

"Oh, for crying out loud," Lana rolled her eyes. She produced two rings. "I've got them!"

"Lana how did you…?" Archer did a double take.

"I had a feeling you would pull a stunt like this," Lana said. "It wasn't hard."

"Phrasing boom!" Pam whooped.

"Thank you, Lana," Ron said as he and Mallory took the rings.

"Thanks a lot, Lana!" Archer snapped. "You **traitor!"**

"Oh, give it a rest Archer!" Lana snapped. "Just because you're afraid of commitment…"

"Oh, **I'm **afraid of commitment?" Archer snapped. "Look who's talking!"

"I'm not the one who has to bang everything in a skirt because it's the only way I can deal with my mommy issues!" Lana shouted.

"Well I'm not the one who's a controlling, emasculating, neurotic know-it all!" Archer shouted. "Who has bigger hands than Jennifer Walters!"

"Archer…" Lana growled.

"Get it?" Archer asked. "The She-Hulk."

"They're actually really sexy when you're being choked by them," Cheryl spoke up.

"**Really inappropriate** Cheryl!" Lana shouted.

"That's kind of her thing," Pam admitted.

"Archer can't you just be happy for your mother that she found someone?" Lana fumed.

"And you haven't," Cheryl added. Lana glared at her. "Just saying She-Hulk."

"HA!" Archer scoffed.

"Oh yeah?" Lana turned on Archer. "You know what's funny Archer?"

"The fact that my mother is getting married before **you?**" Archer smirked. Then he gasped. "OH MY GOD! MY MOTHER IS GETTING MARRIED! NOOOOO! AAAHHH! IS IT STILL TOO LATE FOR ME TO OBJECT?"

"**That's** your problem **right there**!" Lana pointed. "You are a selfish narcissistic man-child who can't deal with the fact that he's not the center of the universe! Cut the umbilical cord already! Let your mother live her life!"

"MAYBE I WILL!?" Archer shouted. "Maybe I will go so far away…"

"Threatening to run away!" Lana interrupted. "Very mature!"

"It's not a threat!" Archer shouted. "I may go away for good!"

"If only…" Ray was heard from the back.

"Can we get it in writing?" Cyril asked.

"Fine! Go! Run away!" Lana shouted. "Act like a spoiled baby! Instead of a big boy. Which as we all know, you're not! In **any sense** of the word!"

"She means your penis," Pam spoke up.

"I KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT!" Archer shouted. "AND MY PENIS IS HUGE!"

"Ehhh…" Mallory, Lana, Pam and Cheryl remarked. As well as all the other females from the agency in the pews.

"It's adequate," Pam admitted.

"Cyril's is bigger," Cheryl said.

"Way bigger!" A female's voice called out.

"WHO ASKED _YOU_, SCATTERBRAIN JANE?" Archer shouted.

"We should have eloped," Ron groaned.

"Agreed," Mallory sighed.

FLASHFORWARD!

Tony blinked as he heard the story. "Wow. There really were some red flags there. No offense. Just saying Ron…"

"It gets worse," Ron groaned.

"_**Worse?"**_ Tony asked. "How?"

Ron explained. "Immediately after the service Sterling had a mental breakdown and took our limo driver hostage at gunpoint. Took off leaving us stranded at the church. We had to get a cab to take us to the reception. Which wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs let me tell you."

"What happened at the reception?" Tony asked.

Ron counted off. "Mallory ranted and raved about how much an ungrateful ass her son was and drank two full bottles of champagne by herself. Lana constantly complained about her past relationship with Sterling to everyone in the room and drank half a bottle of champagne by herself. Her staff drank several bottles of champagne and insulted each other and Sterling throughout the whole meal. Pam ate almost all the food. Carol had some kind of weird hissy fit when she wasn't allowed to set a fire in the coat room and threw several bottles of booze against the wall until Krieger shot her with dart gun."

"Jesus," Tony winced.

"We couldn't even go on our honeymoon because Sterling went missing for two months with some kind of weird self-inflicted amnesia," Ron groaned. "Okay it was only a place in the Catskills for the weekend. It wasn't like we were going to Paris or anything but still…"

Tony shook his head. "That's rough man."

"And when he got back things didn't get much better," Ron groaned. "Like our first wedding anniversary. Oh boy was **that** a disaster!"

"What happened then?"

"My wife had the **brilliant** idea of having a party," Ron groaned. "I would have been perfectly happy with a simple dinner at a nice restaurant. But nooo! My wife had to have a fancy schmancy party at the Arcadian. Which was this old-time hotel and restaurant my wife used to hang around back in the day."

"I heard about that joint," Tony remembered. "Didn't a lot of rich people as well as royalty used to show up there back in the day?"

"Yeah and apparently my wife knew **all** of them," Ron rolled his eyes. "Or so she claimed. Anyway, she insisted on having the party there even though she hadn't been back there for years."

"Why there?"

"For two reasons," Ron told him. "One to impress all those upper crust crumbs she was hobnobbing with. And two, get this…Carol's company bought the joint."

"And she thought she could get a party for free?" Tony guessed. "Am I right?"

"Oh yeah," Ron nodded. "But there were two problems with that. One, nobody but those crazy people at her agency showed up. Including her son."

"I see the problem already," Tony groaned. "What was the other problem?"

"My wife hadn't been to the Arcadian for over twenty years," Ron explained. "She knew Carol's company had bought it for a song. Unfortunately, she didn't ask what the song **was." **

"What was it?"

"Skid Row," Ron groaned.

FLASHBACK!

"_Downtown!"_ Pam and Cheryl sang among the decrepit rat-infested broken-down bar. _"Where the folks are broke! You going downtown! Where your life's a joke!" _

"Ms. Archer's sure is!" Cheryl laughed.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. She looked around the decrepit place. "What **happened** to this place? This was once the place to meet! A place where rich people and royalty mingled."

"Well I'm guessing _some_ rich people come out front to meet queens," Archer looked around. "Judging by the transvestites hookers hanging around out front. When did Simone get back in town?"

"I've been in barns that were cleaner," Pam remarked. "And smelled better."

"Even my lab smells better than this," Krieger admitted. "Even when Piggly gets a little whiffy he smells better than this!"

"This place could use some urban gentrification," Lana remarked.

"What it needs is a lit match!" Ray snapped.

"Ooh…" Cheryl grinned.

"Don't give her ideas," Pam said to Ray. "Did that carpet just move?"

"I don't think that's a carpet," Krieger said.

"Well what is it?" Pam asked.

"Either a really small hairy dog," Ray winced. "Or a really big hairy rat."

Ron looked at Mallory. "So, explain to me again how **this** is better than going to Carmine's?"

"Well obviously Carmine's is better **now**!" Mallory snapped. "How was I supposed to know the Arcadian had fallen into disrepair?"

"I think we're **beyond** disrepair," Ray wrinkled his nose. "We're straight into the bowels of Hotel Hell!"

"Even I knew Carmine's was better than this," Archer added. "You get unlimited garlic bread there! And I'm talking the good garlic bread! The one with those little chunks of garlic on it!"

"Should have checked Zagat's," Pam nodded. "That's what I do."

"What they have a trough section?" Mallory snapped. "I wanted a place that could hold all my friends!"

"Again, **what friends**?" Cheryl asked. "The only people around here are **us!"**

"And that transvestite hobo passed out front," Cyril remarked. "At least I hope he's just passed out. He didn't look like he was breathing."

Lana wrinkled her nose. "Speaking of breathing…Does anyone smell…OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CHERYL!"

"Heh, heh, heh…" Cheryl had set some furniture on fire.

"God damn it, Carol!" Archer shouted. "Whose turn was it to search her for matches?"

"Yours!" Lana shouted.

"Oh right," Archer remarked. "My bad."

"Here's something else that's bad," Ray pointed to a horde of rats, raccoons, pigeons, bats and other animals heading towards them.

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory pulled out her gun.

"Mallory there's too many of them!" Lana said as she grabbed Mallory's arm. "RUN!"

Soon the gang was fleeing the animal horde which was fleeing the fire. "Well that's one way to make your anniversary memorable!" Cheryl snickered. "Am I right?"

"Any more memorable nights like this and I'll end up in the hospital!" Ron groaned as he ran.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Now that I think about it," Ron frowned. "The rest of that group hasn't exactly been helpful to my marriage either."

"God Ron," Tony poured Ron another glass. "That's unbelievable."

"You should have heard some of the conversations I used to have with my wife," Ron groaned. "Normally when you ask your spouse about their day, you expect normal responses like…_Oh it was fine_. Or _the copy machine went down again_. With my wife and that lot…The crazy just never stopped! Like this one time…"

FLASHBACK! BACK TO THE APARTMENT IN NEW YORK!

"You don't want **to know** the day I had today!" Mallory grumbled as she slammed her purse down on the table in their kitchen. "I should have known something was wrong the minute Sterling arrived on time for work."

"What happened **now?"** Ron sighed.

"He was reading the newspapers about some European that put an antenna in his head," Mallory explained as she poured a drink. "The next thing I know, he's screaming about the cyborg invasion and how we're all going to suffer and then he threatens to destroy all of our research…Long story short, we had to do another tranquilizer hunt."

"Like the Coke-y Monster ones?" Ron asked.

"Exactly. Only Sterling didn't last as long as Pam," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "Since Sterling is literally out of commission along with two of my employees, I had to close up the office early. So once again Sterling ruins everything!"

"Why is he so anti-robot?" Ron asked. "Isn't one of your employee's half machine? The gay one?"

"Miss Gillette? Yes!" Mallory groaned. "And if **she's** any indication of what's to come I'm hardly worried about the cyborg apocalypse."

"Don't basically a lot of people have artificial hips and hearts and stuff?" Ron asked. "Does he consider them cyborgs?"

"Probably," Mallory waved.

"Remind me to never introduce your son to my poker buddies," Ron groaned.

Mallory went on. "The only cyborgs that are a threat are Barry Dylan…But he's about as incompetent as Sterling if you can believe that. And that Russian whore with the bangs he used to bang."

"Sterling slept with a **robot woman**?" Ron blinked.

"He almost **married** her," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Before the bionic floozy cheated on him at his own wedding. Krieger made her. She's now the head of the KGB."

"What?" Ron did a double take. "Hold on…"

"Before you ask, I have no idea what he saw in her except it annoyed me," Mallory answered.

"That **wasn't **what I was going to ask," Ron gave her a look.

"I have no idea where this cyborg fear came from," Mallory waved. "I know it wasn't the movies or comic books. I think it had something to do with the vacuum cleaner incident and him nearly losing his testicles."

"I wasn't going to ask **that **either…" Ron told her. "Vacuum cleaner incident?"

"Don't ask…" Mallory groaned.

"What I was going to ask was about Krieger making a robot woman for the KGB," Ron said.

"He didn't make her **for** the KGB," Mallory clarified. "She was already KGB when she defected. Got killed. Came back to life as a cyborg, almost married Sterling then went back to the KGB and took over."

"Still…That's not good," Ron winced. "Especially if your friends in the CIA find out about that!"

"Don't worry about it," Mallory waved.

"Uh yeah I think at least **one** of us should!" Ron snapped. "Darling…We really need to talk."

"Ugh what **now**?" Mallory groaned. "Can't this wait?"

"No, it can't," Ron said. "Mallory. I love you but this is getting too much over your head. Hell, it's too much over **my head!"**

"What do you mean?" Mallory asked.

"I mean all these crazy schemes of yours are gonna get us both killed!" Ron protested. "First the fake drug scam with the CIA and the Yakuza shootout that put a slug in my stomach!"

"How long are you going to hold me responsible for **that?**" Mallory barked.

"And all this nonsense with the CIA and the meetings you can't talk about," Ron said. "Not to mention some of the other things we've lived through. Like that bomb threat at that restaurant where the Albanian Ambassador died? And now **cyborgs?** Babe I know in a marriage there are ups and downs but this is **nuts**!"

"It's going to be fine Ron," Mallory waved. "I've been a spymaster for decades."

"You won't be for much longer if this keeps up," Ron said. "And then what are you going to do? Can't we just retire? Move someplace far away? I heard Florida is nice. Or how about California?"

"Ugh no!" Mallory snapped. "**Not **California! If I **ever **end up in that hippie dippy earthquake prone liberal cesspool you **know **I've hit bottom!"

"Okay not California," Ron sighed. "We can go anywhere. Can't we just leave while we're ahead? Travel the world! Visit wineries all over the place! You'd love **that!**"

"I am **not** quitting my job," Mallory snapped. "I am **never** giving up the spy game! Never!"

"Why **not**?" Ron asked. "It's not like we can't afford it! Between the two of us…"

Just then Mallory's phone rang. "Hang on…" She answered it. "Hello? Krieger? What the…What? **When**? Oh, for crying…Why did he…? Good point. Well where is he now? WHAT? Why would he **do** that? Of course. **How else** would you fight off a cyborg invasion?"

"We're not going out to Carmine's tonight, are we?" Ron groaned.

"Looks like it," Mallory sighed. She turned back to the phone. "Okay where his he now? Great. Wonderful. I should **leave him** there! No, don't call Lana! She's already dealing with one baby! I will go and bail him out. I'll need you to help restrain him obviously. Fine. I'll be there. Good."

Mallory hung up the phone. "Looks like I'm going to be donating more money to the policeman's retirement fund. At this rate the entire force will be able to buy several apartments in Trump Plaza."

"What happened this time?" Ron asked.

"Somehow Sterling shook off some of the effects of the tranquilizer," Mallory sighed as she got her purse. "But that combined with whatever he drank still left him as high as King Kong taking a stroll on the Empire State Building. And he did more damage."

"What did he do?"

Mallory groaned. "He stripped to his underwear, broke into a Dash phone store and started yelling at all the workers there to not make Skynet."

"Why did he think that this Skynet thing would be **there?**" Ron began.

"Because Sterling is a movie obsessed idiot who doesn't pay attention to details in real life!" Mallory snapped.

"Good point," Ron realized.

"Anyway," Mallory began to leave. "He started yelling and screaming at what he thought was Miles Bennet Dyson. But in reality, it was just a cardboard cutout of Dash's spokesperson. Then Sterling thought it would be a good idea to shoot it."

"He shot up a **phone store**?" Ron gasped.

"He was wearing his gun underwear," Mallory groaned. "Long story short, the police are holding Sterling in a psyche ward. I'm going to have to bail him out again."

"_Again?"_ Ron shouted. "How many times…?"

"Too many for me to remember," Mallory groaned. "Just order a pizza or something. This is going to take a few hours. You just know they're going to jack up the price again!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"So of course," Ron sighed as he drank. "Mallory had to go and bail out Sterling and pay through the wazoo to keep his record clean. Apparently, he pulls stunts like this at least twice a year. So once again I had to settle for pizza for dinner. Not that my wife ever made anything for me but a cocktail."

"That's just insane," Tony was stunned.

"They're **all insane!"** Ron snapped. "But especially Sterling and especially my wife!"

"Wait," Tony asked. "What was this about getting shot by the Yakuza?"

"Pam's fault," Ron groaned. "She bought drugs from them with counterfeit money. They came to collect with guns and guess who ended up in the line of fire?"

"Jesus," Tony gasped.

"I'm lucky to be alive!" Ron said. "I ended up shot in the stomach! And worst of all…"

FLASHBACK!

"Three days!" Ron shouted at his wife in the hospital room. "It took you **three damn days** to see me?"

"Ron for the first day you were mostly in surgery and weren't allowed visitors anyway!" Mallory protested. She was holding some roses.

"Well where the hell were you the **other two days**?" Ron snapped.

"Somebody had to keep Pam from eating all the cocaine!" Mallory snapped. "Then Sterling had a conniption for some reason about something stupid. Probably another fight with Lana. Then I had to deal with some police that were sniffing around who heard reports of gunfire. That took almost a full afternoon! That idiot Woodhouse let them in! Thank God the two of them were more interested in their next donut break!"

"And the third day?" Ron asked.

"**Today** is the third day!" Mallory snapped.

"It's after two PM!" Ron snapped.

"Is it my fault this hospital has lousy visiting hours?" Mallory snapped.

"Well at least you got me flowers," Ron sighed.

"Huh?" Mallory blinked. Then she realized that she was holding flowers. "Oh right. These flowers are for **you.** Right. Let me put them in a vase…"

A handsome doctor in his sixties walked in. "Now, then Mr. Cadillac…Mallory!"

"Oh! Hello Doctor…" Mallory paused.

"Hello Mallory," The Doctor beamed. "I see you got my flowers."

"WHAT?" Ron shouted.

"Uh Doctor Greenberg," Mallory gulped. "This is my husband, Ron!"

"Your **husband?"** Dr. Greenberg did a double take. "_Really?"_

"Really," Ron growled.

"I didn't know you were married," Dr. Greenberg said. "Especially to this fellow. He's been here for three days and the only visitors he's had were the pregnant black woman, the nervous fellow with the glasses, the interesting gay man, and that strange fellow with the beard who keeps asking to see the morgue."

"**They** found time to visit," Ron looked at Mallory.

A candy striper walked in. "Here's some flowers for you Mr. Cadillac. From a Ms. Pam Poovey and Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."

Ron looked at Mallory again. "Oh look. Flowers that are **actually **for me."

"And a card," The candy striper read. "Hope you're feeling better Ron. Sorry we're not there. Just can't leave the cocaine. It's too delicious. _What?_"

"_**WHAT?"**_ Mallory shouted. She ran off with the flowers.

"Oh my," Dr. Greenberg coughed. "I suppose me asking her to dinner was a bit premature wasn't it?"

"YOU **THINK?**" Ron shouted.

FLASHFORWARD!

"After that we split up for a while," Ron groaned. "I should have run like hell to the nearest divorce lawyer while I had the chance. But nooooooooooo! I had to come back to that woman like a sap. Just in time for us to move to California. Which is looking more and more like one of the biggest mistakes of my life. No offense Tony. I mean you're great but…"

"I get it," Tony said. "Your wife, her son and her weird friends sound like a nightmare."

"A nightmare you can eventually wake up from," Ron explained. "You should have heard the fight we had the time she got kidnapped by a crazy man and stranded out in the desert. Then she had to steal a truck from a guy just to get away!"

FLASHBACK!

"Why the hell are you so **calm** about this?" Ron shouted at his wife in the kitchen. "You were just kidnapped! Why the hell aren't we calling the police?"

Mallory had finished a drink of scotch. "Oh right. **There's** an option. _Hello officers, my name is Mallory Archer and I'd like to report a kidnapping. Yes, I was kidnapped. By an insane cyborg who left me out in the desert to die because my son is a complete and total asshole. Apparently, my son banged the cyborg's fiancé and he still holds a grudge over it." _

"Okay you know…?" Ron began.

"_Oh, how did my son and I get involved with an insane cyborg?"_ Mallory went on. _"We used to be spies. Yes, we were spies. Long story. How did I get away? Oh, I just carjacked a truck full of office supplies and stranded the asshole who hit on my in the desert." _

"I see your point!" Ron snapped. "How can you be so **calm** about this?"

"For God's sake Ron," Mallory groaned. "It's not like I haven't been kidnapped before and had to steal a getaway vehicle. That trucker is just lucky I left him intact with all his body parts. At least this time I didn't have to hide the body in a dumpster. Or several dumpsters."

"I don't believe this!" Ron shouted.

"Neither do I!" Mallory said. "It used to take at least three guys to knock me out! Damn it! I must be losing my touch."

"Mallory!" Ron snapped. "You promised you'd leave all this craziness behind!"

"I didn't **ask **the cyborg to kidnap me Ron!" Mallory shouted at her. "Place the blame where it belongs! On **Sterling!** That stupid feud he has with Barry has gotten too far! This time **I'm affected**!"

"You promised California was supposed to be a new beginning for us," Ron shouted. "But instead I'm seeing the same crap we had in New York! What is the Yakuza going to follow us here and shoot me again too?"

"Okay in the first place," Mallory sighed. "The Yakuza has clans all over the world. They wouldn't just _follow_ us here. Second Sterling took care of that. I think. Then again it is Sterling we're talking about. He does have a habit of leaving things unfinished…"

"Mallory, I mean it!" Ron shouted. "If things don't change this marriage is **finished!**"

"For God's sake's Ron," Mallory groaned. "I can't control what other people do! Well at least the ones that aren't working for me. You knew of my past as a spy! You knew this was a possibility."

"No, I **didn't,"** Ron told her. "You specifically said when we were first going out that most of your enemies were dead! And that nobody would be crazy enough to go after you!"

"Well obviously I was wrong about the **crazy part**!" Mallory challenged. "And come on Ron! You can never completely discount any enemies. No offense, my past is a little more complicated than yours."

Ron folded his arms. "So, I'm just supposed to expect you getting kidnapped or me getting shot at every other week?"

"Well not every **other** week," Mallory said. "Maybe once every couple of months?"

"This is **not** the life you promised me Mallory!" Ron shouted.

"I'm not exactly _thrilled _by this life either, Ron!" Mallory snapped. "You haven't exactly been Husband of the Year!"

"At least my past hasn't bit our marriage in the ass!" Ron shouted.

"**What past?"** Mallory scoffed. "Ooh, you smoked some reefer with some jazz cats once! How exciting! Should I be peeking out the windows to see if the Narcotics Squad is hiding behind the bushes?"

"I've done some things," Ron said. "You don't know **everything** about me!"

"I know enough," Mallory waved. "What? Are you trying to tell me you were some secret criminal mastermind back in the day?"

"Well I wouldn't call myself a mastermind," Ron admitted. "But I've taken a hubcap or two when I was a kid. How do you like **them apples**?"

"Hubcaps," Mallory looked at him deadpanned. "You stole **hubcaps."**

"Yes," Ron said defiantly. "Technically."

"You're comparing **hubcaps **with **my past?"** Mallory asked skeptically.

"I took some tires too!" Ron defended. "And maybe a car part or two?"

"It's like living with Al Capone," Mallory said sarcastically.

"You know…?" Ron glared at her.

"If you're such _a criminal mastermind_ then you should have **no problem** helping me transport the office supplies to the agency!" Mallory said. "At the very least I got something out of this. Cyril always whines about how expensive office supplies are. This should keep his blubbering mouth shut for about a week. As long as Pam and Carol don't set them on fire."

"Every time I think I'm out," Ron groaned. "They pull me back in again!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Hang on," Tony realized. "You said Pam Poovey and Carol Tunt? Lana? Ray? And Archer? And _Cyril? _I **know** those people! In fact, I know **all** those people you described!"

"What?" Ron was surprised. "How?"

"It was about eight…" Tony paused. "No wait, **nine months ago**! Just before you started coming in here. I remember now! This crazy group of people just like the ones you described came in and caused a ruckus in here!"

"What did they do?" Ron groaned.

"What **didn't **they do?" Tony sighed.

FLASHBACK!

"FOR THE LAST TIME ARCHER!" Lana was shouting at Archer in the bar. "VERONICA DEANE DIDN'T KISS YOU! YOU CLEARLY KISSED HER!"

"Oh my God," Archer scoffed as he took a drink. "Jealous much?"

"I'm telling you," Pam said to Cyril, Ray and Krieger as they drank at the other end of the bar. "So many movies would be better with vampires in them! That's what they should do with all these remakes! Put vampires in them!"

"You'd love that wouldn't you?" Lana fumed. "That's why you kissed Veronica Deane! To make me jealous for no reason!"

"That's not true!" Archer challenged. "I kissed her because she was hot! Ticking you off was just gravy!"

"Uh huh," Lana folded her arms.

"And by I kissed her," Archer covered. "I meant of course that she kissed me!"

Mallory was sitting on the end of the bar drinking. "I **had **to come with the idiots tonight. Even Ron's boring drivel is better than **this!"**

"Pick a movie," Pam said. "Any movie. It would be much better if vampires were in it!"

"Uh huh," Lana folded her arms.

"I mean it would have been rude to not accept the kiss," Archer went on.

"Since when do **you care** about being **polite**?" Lana shouted.

"Gone with the Wind?" Ray suggested.

"Better," Pam said. "Make Scarlett and Rhett vampires. Boom. Atlanta gets burned because of a vampire infestation. What else you got?"

"Veronica is a major movie star," Archer said. "Who is a client for our agency!"

"Oh, it's **Veronica **now?" Lana shouted.

"Speaking of now," Mallory called out. "I need a refill damn it!"

"2001 A Space Odyssey," Cyril challenged.

"Better. Vampire sneaks onto the ship," Pam said. "Reprograms HAL to be on his side. Which explains all the killings. Vampire dies when the ship passes close to a sun. Next!"

"I can't believe you are jeopardizing our relationship for a stupid **fan crush!"** Lana shouted. "Oh wait…YES I CAN!"

"Just what does **that mean**?" Archer snapped as he threw his empty glass down on the floor.

"That means I'm going to end up paying extra," Mallory sighed. "Where the hell is my refill?"

"The new Men In Black Movie?" Ray asked.

"That movie would have been better off if it hadn't been **made**," Pam pointed out. "Give me a better one."

"It means Archer," Lana told him. "Every time. Every **single time** we get together and I think there's just a chance that you're finally ready to have a mature relationship, you go off in whatever direction your dick tells you to!"

"Veronica and I have a mature relationship!" Archer snapped.

"Oh yeah, she's **mature** all right!" Lana rolled her eyes.

"REFILL! NOW!" Mallory shouted.

"Speed," Krieger said.

"Definitely better," Pam nodded. "Vampire on a fast-moving bus. What more do you need?"

"Hang on. Why the hell would a vampire take a **bus?**" Ray shouted.

"Maybe he didn't feel like flying?" Pam snapped. "Maybe he was tired? Maybe there was someplace he wanted to go and didn't know the address? It could happen!"

"No, it **couldn't,"** Cyril snapped. "Now if we're talking a werewolf on a bus that's more realistic."

"Well werewolf yeah," Ray agreed. "Of course, a werewolf would take a bus. That's a no-brainer. But we're talking about vampires here."

"I'm talking about getting some decent service!" Mallory shouted.

"I wouldn't be making age cracks if I were you Lana," Archer warned. "Just saying, you are kind of getting up there."

"WHAT?" Lana roared.

"What about energy vampires?" Krieger suggested. "They don't fly."

"True," Pam said. "But an energy vampire on a bus that needs to go fast? Kind of sounds like a short film if you ask me."

"What the hell do you mean by **that crack?"** Lana snapped. "You're almost the same age as I am!"

"Lana, it's a biological fact that women age differently than men," Archer preened. "Biologically I am just beginning my prime. While you…"

"Don't **go **there…" Lana growled.

"An energy vampire would drain energy of the people driving the bus," Pam said. "After that, CRASH! SMASH! AAAAHHH! Everybody dies in a fiery wreck!"

"Speaking of which…" Ray noticed something. "When did Cheryl go into the ladies' room?"

"A while ago," Pam said. "Why…?" She then noticed smoke coming out of the ladies' room. "God damn it!"

"I'm just saying it's just as well you stole my sperm," Archer said. "Considering it was probably the only chance you had to have a kid…"

"AAAHHHH!" Lana roared as she tackled Archer. And proceeded to wail on him.

"That's it!" Mallory tossed the glass at the bartender. It hit several bottles and broke them. "Damn it! I was aiming for your fat head!"

That was when the smoke alarm went off and the sound of Cheryl's laughter was heard throughout the entire place.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Yeah that was them all right," Ron groaned.

"By the way," Tony said. "They didn't pay their bar tab. I don't suppose you want to pony up and pay the eighteen grand for the damage they caused huh?"

Ron groaned. "I gotta get away from these crazy people! Either they are gonna kill me or I'm gonna kill **them!**"


End file.
